crushing on everyone else but ourselves
Creating relationships is one of the most beautiful things we can do on Earth. I don’t know what happens on other planets, realms, or even in different dimensions, but this makes Earth unique. Friendships; romantic partnerships; familial relationships; work relationships; relationships with animals, plants, and all aspects of Nature; relationships with the seen and unseen; and relationships with ourselves are all perfect mirrors.
Relationships highlight where we have opportunities to grow in all sorts of ways. In my other essays, I have primarily focused on how relationships are perfect mirrors for revealing and healing our shadows. They can also be perfect mirrors for parts of ourselves that we have yet to embody and fall in love with.
John (1) was one of my coworkers. He had this surreal presence about him. The only way I can describe it is his aura was so vast and bright. John was radiant; he brightened any room he walked into. John was hilarious and got along with everyone well. He had a great attitude but wasn’t overly optimistic in a way that seemed insincere. John had a talent for making you feel as if you had been friends for a long time, even if you had only known him for a few months. He just had a way with people; people felt at ease and at home with him. Everyone loved John.
There are a lot of ways to fall in love with people. Love is a full spectrum from platonic love to crushes to falling in love to unconditional love with everything in between. All kinds of love experiences have something to teach us. I love the word “crush” because even though it seems silly, crushes can be remarkably revealing. Crushes aren’t serious; they are lighthearted and fun ways of signaling what you may admire about a person. Sometimes you have crushes on people, which develops into a full-blown relationship. Sometimes you have them, and it’s meant to signal that you admire something about them or how that makes you feel. Maybe you want to embody that too and make others feel good, which we could all use more on this planet. I never had a crush on John, but I loved his energy. You know when people have good energy? It is so powerful to fall so deeply in love with someone, but it is also potent to admire someone without having romantic feelings for them. John’s energy reminded me that I have that capacity, too; we all do. We all can make those around us feel good when we are around them. I would want anyone I interact with to feel good after leaving. You know those people who you hang out with, and they leave you feeling drained? I love my alone time, so if I encounter someone like that, I limit my time with them. They are essential mirrors, too. This is not to say that people we care about are burdens. For example, a friend would complain about the same things whenever I saw her. She refused to do anything to make any changes. After a while, it was simply exhausting. It was also a reminder that I didn’t ever want to do the same thing. Take note of how the people around you make you feel. It’s all information. Don’t forget that people have their moments, and we want to be as patient as possible. That doesn’t mean you need to throw your boundaries to the wind. Remember that just because someone is in a tough spot doesn’t mean there isn’t something beautiful about them; they may just not be aware of and expressing it at that moment.
Paying attention to what we admire about other people is a powerful practice. It allows us to find innate beauty in all aspects of the world. Furthermore, for those of us that find it easier to find beauty in others versus ourselves, it can be a means to see more and more things to love about ourselves. One of the reasons I noticed John was because those were all potential dimensions of self I had yet to embody. Imagine everything you know about someone you love. You love them, so you likely know them very well. You see dimensions that most people may never see. You know how much they have to offer. Everyone you interact with is like the person you love. Imagine that the next time you interact with someone unknown to you. Imagine that someone else loves them and knows their depth. You don’t know all of these facets and nuances of strangers, but they do exist. Besides, they could easily be someone you could fall in love with, but you don’t know anything about them yet. Everyone has this potential.
Moreover, the things you notice about people aren’t the same for everyone. I am sure that if I pointed out how great John’s energy was, people would know exactly what I was talking about because everyone on our team was experiencing the same person. However, that doesn’t mean that we experience him in the same way. When I notice something about someone, it is usually accompanied by a feeling. I have experienced admiration or irritation depending on the medicine I need. Perhaps someone was irritated by John’s energy; it could have triggered something completely different for them. I.e., they would have felt John’s presence but in a totally different way. It is also possible for John, even with his large aura, to go completely unnoticed by some people. We see what we need to notice at any given time; it is all beautifully and mystically synchronous.
Relationships are a portal to unity consciousness. I think of unity consciousness in two ways: internally and externally. Relationships allow us to uncover and unite the parts of ourselves that we have abandoned for one reason or another. As I noted with John, this could refer to our shadows or simply the seen and unseen, radiant aspects of ourselves we haven’t embodied yet. Relationships as perfect mirrors will enable us to self-reflect, allowing for more self-compassion and external compassion for the parts of ourselves that we see in others. We only judge the parts of people we have yet to find tenderness in ourselves. On the other hand, we are also likely to admire the same parts of ourselves that we witness in others. We all have the full spectrum of humanity within us. This is how we can create a more patient, empathetic, compassionate, and loving world.
Thank you to all of my relationships for showing me not only the parts of me that needed to be embodied and integrated and what needed to be seen.
The concept of “truth” is tough to pin down because we all have our truths and perceptions of truths. I stated in a prior essay that I only believe in two things: 1) everything is Nature, and 2) Nature is synchronous. I hold this in my heart as true now, and there is always room for change. (Please note that these truths certainly aren’t true for everyone.) My first “truth” that everything is Nature implies that everything is universally equal. Furthermore, if anything is subsequently “true,” it must be universal, i.e., for everyone. I find that only archetypal experiences are “true.” I consider anything else to be a subjective, personal interpretation of these universal experiences of humanity. This is crucial because having some value system or “truths” to anchor into keeps me grounded in a largely subjective world.
Everyone is Nature. There are infinite ways to come home to that “truth.” For me, archetypes (2) are how I found myself in Nature. E.g., The Mother is everywhere in Nature in all kinds of forms. The more I connect with the spirit of my potential child, the more I connect with The Mother and find myself in Nature. This could be done with any archetype you see yourself in. Archetypes are spaceless patterns, i.e., we can find them anywhere. Archetypes are timeless, i.e., they can be found at any point in time throughout history in pretty much any culture. They are multiplicitous, i.e., there are infinite iterations and expressions of an archetype. Archetypes all have a light and a shadow because they are inclusive enough to hold space for duality. Any archetype or “truth” encourages potential, dynamism, inclusion, imagination, creativity, and unity consciousness.
Any archetypal truth discourages judgment and stereotypes. Within the past couple of years, people have been finding more and more ways to put themselves and their peers in boxes. We use labels to dissect, limit, judge, assess, and assume, attempting to transform the unknown into the known so we have more control. We no longer listen and learn. Archetypes allow us to connect. E.g., since archetypes are timeless and spaceless, they are also genderless; they are not confined by any human or societal constructs. You don’t need to identify as a woman to experience The Mother. There are plenty of people of all kinds of identities that know The Mother equally and in their own way. The Womb is another excellent example. You don’t need to have a physical, third-dimensional womb to understand and embody the archetype. You can, but it isn’t necessary. Now imagine this: you and someone who is so different from you can identify with the same archetypal experience, such as The Mother or The Womb. You may be different in a third-dimensional respect but have more in common than you originally thought energetically. Imagine how knowing yourself allows you to understand people unknown to you in a deeper, unassuming way. Archetypes build bridges. Like relationships, they are a means to unity consciousness. They allow us to see coexisting potentials in one another. Archetypes are so vast, mysterious, and inherently unknown. Seeing people through an archetypal lens will enable us to simultaneously honor that we don’t know every layer of their multidimensionality. Still, there are some places where we can build The Bridge. We find ourselves within them and them within us. Everyone belongs.
Love is a universal, archetypal experience. If your definition of love doesn’t include everyone, then it isn’t for anyone (3). For example, “love” isn’t just defined as “romantic love” because there are aromantic people that do not experience romantic love in the same way others do. It doesn’t make any love they may or not experience (I can’t speak deeply to this because I am not aromantic) any less valid. What about familial love? What about the love we have for our friends? There are different kinds of love, but they are all equally valuable. What about Love in a grander sense? I.e., what about those who experience Love by connecting with something greater than themselves? What about Unconditional Love? Any definition of archetypal human experiences, such as Love, must be expansive and inclusive enough to hold space for all of the diversity and multiplicity of the human experience.
Love is the experience of beauty. Similarly, if a definition of beauty is not for everyone, it is not for anyone. I.e., it simply holds no truth for me. The notion that beauty is only for people who can afford certain makeup products, skincare regimes, social-media-trending clothing, shockingly expensive designer shoes, etc., isn’t inclusive. The notion that beauty is only for white, cis, thin, able-bodied, young, etc., people isn’t inclusive. I am sure I could write another essay on the commodification of beauty and how the beauty industry is a matrix-inspired-psyop designed to manipulate people (especially women) to sell them back their insecurities as a form of empowerment all to ensure that we never actually feel empowered, whole, beautiful, loved, or a sense of belonging. (Did that even make any sense?) I don’t have any control over what ideals society continually attempts to sell us. I have found I don’t have control over much. What I do have power over is my perspective.
I understand that these definitions are nice in theory, but it doesn’t make the experience of exclusion any less real. All of those societal ideals about beauty very much exist, and I don’t know that they are going away any time soon. (Let’s be honest, although they don’t benefit us, they benefit someone, so someone will continually perpetuate these standards as long as they can make a buck.) I am not saying that we shouldn’t try to change them. I am saying that they don’t need to be true for you and me. Not to get all cheesy, but change does begin by cleaning up our side of the street. We need to remind ourselves and others that this doesn’t need to be true. It is a “truth” for some, but it doesn’t need to be (and isn’t) True for everyone.
By the way, there is more than one solution. There are probably infinite solutions. In my first essay, I acknowledged that sustaining the cultural beauty norms benefits many people. Perpetuating them gives people a chance to feel safe. For some people, finding a way to conform and survive is their solution, and that’s okay. Some people are more apt to eradicate the system. Tressie McMillan Cottom, the author of Thick, discusses how calling herself ugly is a way of acknowledging that she will never be beautiful in a world that worships white as the beauty standard. Through her research, coupled with decades of personal experience, she found that beauty is white and white is beauty. They are inseparable. Beauty is simply a societal construct and mechanism to keep white people in power. She claims that the current definition of beauty cannot and will never include someone like her and me. That is true. Thus, not calling herself beautiful calls out the system for how exclusive and broken it is. It’s an interesting conversation. I can see how both ways of interacting with this system are valid. I aim to create something new.
Nature is beauty, and beauty is Nature. Nature is everywhere; it is universal and accessible (4). I was fortunate enough to grow up by a gorgeous, three-hundred-acre park when I was younger. That park has held space for me throughout nearly every stage of my life. It has seen me savoring juicy oranges in between soccer games when I was little, running past its trees when I joined the track team when I was a bit older, walking with friends, trading secrets, photographing peonies for this special space, enjoying coffee and baseball throws with my previous partner, crying during the most confusing and heartbreaking moments of my life, and falling in love with all the expressions of Mother Earth it holds. I have found peace amidst all of its dreams, from the coldest depths of winter to the hottest summer moments. I know all of the fields, trees, and trails... I know the park inside and out. I know where all the flowers are and when it’s their time to bloom. I know the best spots to view the sunrise, sunset, and full moon throughout the year. I know where the caterpillars hang from the trees in the summer. I have heard where the coyotes like to spend their time and, thankfully, haven’t run into any. My favorite place in the park is the walled garden. I know every inch of that garden. I know the floral architecture (I also may have made that phrase up; i.e., I know what flowers will appear and when). I know what flowers the monarch and Eastern tiger swallowtail butterflies love to flutter around. I know that the hummingbirds have a nest right over the northwest corner. If you want to see the hummingbirds, it’s best to come between six thirty and ten a.m.
Last year, I visited the walled garden to visit the hummingbirds every morning. At the time, I had been feeling stressed out and rather blocked. When I feel stuck or unable to write, I visit somewhere green to get the creative juices flowing again. I stood in the corner of the garden with the purple flowers that I noticed the hummingbirds seemed to like the most. I watched them buzz from flower to flower, sometimes visiting the tree above the corner of the garden or sampling the nectar of other flowers. I felt this inexplicable sense of peace, the same peace I felt whenever I visited a natural space, especially with flowers. I felt renewed. As I watched them, I thought back to every other time I had felt stressed or blocked and observed that the answer was always the same: I came back home.
When I want to be reminded of true beauty, I go there. I don’t live in that town anymore, and it is a privilege to be able to catch a train to walk over there. Going to the New York Botanical Gardens or my favorite flower coffee shop in the East Village is a privilege. Not everyone lives in a place with a “typical” abundance of Nature. I want our comprehension of beauty to be accessible. I love that garden so much, but I don’t always want to go somewhere outside myself to be reminded of what true beauty looks like. The green and all of Nature are simply mirrors for the beauty we all contain within us. This is why I have been focusing on finding myself in Nature this year, so no matter where I am, I know I am Beauty and Love.
The Mother helped me find that mirror. All aspects of Nature are beautiful and healing. Nature has enough multidimensionality, diversity, and multiplicity so everyone can find something to be in awe of. I am especially attracted to the beauty of flowers. I love flowers. When I see or smell them (lilac and hyacinths in the spring are spectacularly sweet), I am in awe of how beautiful they are. All flowers are embodiments of The Mother. They are infinitely creative, reproductive beings. Even more simple than that, when I see them, I am in awe, and I feel love. I love springtime because many breathtaking flowers appear after those long cold months. I have such a tough time during the winter; my mood directly correlates to what is happening outside. My friends and coworkers are probably sick of me saying how beautiful the weather is right now (most associate weather with trivial and dull conversation). The fresh air and sun on my skin are so nourishing. I feel so lucky to be outside without shivering (my roommates love winter, a season I have yet to appreciate fully; for now, I tell them how insane they are). I cannot get enough of how beautiful the Earth is, especially during spring and summer. That feeling of renewal and rebirth is unparalleled. It’s how I felt when I understood the depth of The African American Wound and, thus, why our cognition of beauty is so important to me. It’s how I felt when I found patience, compassion, and grace for my shadows. It’s how I felt when I uncovered the deeper reason behind my eating disorder and realized I was not alone. It’s how I felt when I finally understood, appreciated, and empathized with my mother. It’s how I felt when I knew I had the power to heal and grow from integrating my past experiences. It’s how I felt when I began to cultivate my own definition of beauty. It’s also what I felt when I felt my spirit baby for the first time. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that The Mother Wound was where this journey began; thus, The Mother is how I found peace.
I am sorry for believing that beauty was something outside, separate from myself, and I am finding ways to practice something different.
John is magnetic. He has a big, beautiful, and bright aura. John is an outstanding storyteller. He is very easy to relate to. One of the things I love about John is that he can start meaningful conversations with anyone. Even if it is about something incredibly niche or unknown to him, he listens and genuinely enjoys the conversation. He is a deep, receptive, and balanced listener. John is playful and curious. John loves learning. He once told me that while it’s good to know a little bit about many things to hold informed discussions, it is also important to have something you are deeply passionate about. For example, suppose you have something you know inside and out; you can appreciate when other people have worked to master something. You may not know much about it, but there is mutual respect for how much effort it takes to transform something into an art form. I love passionate people. John indirectly taught me how to appreciate the depth of all beings, seen and unseen, for their beautiful mystery.
When I pay attention to the people I admire, it has nothing to do with how they look. Instead, I am in awe of people with a beautiful life perspective. Sure, there are people I find pretty or attractive; we are all human. I am in awe of those who consciously leverage the world around them to become kinder people. Those people have the most inspiring medicine. John has a beautiful, expanded appreciation for Nature. He knows that all beings, including humans, are ultimately Nature, even though modern narratives constantly reinforce that we are separate. John is kind, grateful, and generous. John is fully embodied and integrated. He sees people for their light and shadow, i.e., he sees the best in people but doesn’t put up with any nonsense because he is intimate with his own. John embraces duality; he is grounded in unity consciousness. He has a quiet confidence and knowing presence about him. John embodies and espouses tolerance, patience, empathy, and compassion. He is incredibly wise and humble; he doesn’t claim to know what is “right” or “wrong” but instead leads by example. John makes people feel seen, loved, and inspired. John easily sees the cosmic beauty of the universe.
I love you, John.
(1) Disclaimer: Anything I write about anyone in my essays results from my subjective, human, and imperfect perspective. None of my essays aim to portray anyone negatively; that would be unfair, as this is my side of the story. I do not claim 100% accuracy of anything but my perspective, mainly because I have not had contact with some mentioned people in several years. We all grow and change.
(2) I go into greater detail about archetypes here.
(3) This statement is a variation of a concept I learned from Lindsay Mack.
(4) The way nature is externally accessible varies, but Nature is always accessible for everyone internally.
