dreaming about friendships

disclaimer: the recording and following words are for entertainment purposes only and do not constitute medical or psychological advice. please always seek the advice of a physician or mental health professional.

author’s note: the below is not a transcript of the recording. i wanted to play around with recording my answers (still having fun experimenting with my voice) and writing them, so some of the information is different within each version. i enjoyed both formats, so pick whichever or both ;) now, onto the fun stuff…

hello everyone, and welcome to my advice column (?)! i came to the idea for this project because a) i find relationships to be the most endlessly fascinating aspect of humanity— truly, i can go on and on forever about them and do not get tired of listening to people talk about them; b) a large part of my writing project heavily relies on portraying nuanced, realistic interpersonal dynamics and it would be great to expand beyond what i already know; and c) it sounded like it would be a lot of fun. this is my current artistic vision, and we will see how it goes. i had no idea how people get an advice column up and running when they are new to a platform (still don’t), so i solicited my friends for help (thank you so much to everyone who submitted a question; i had so much fun reading them).

when I originally asked for questions, i really thought that they would all be wildly different (somehow), but they all wound up being about friendship (which made selecting the theme for this post easy). i have to say, what is in the water right now? i guess i was a bit surprised at the similarity because even though i didn’t ask the most diverse sample of people (they all have me in common, after all), most of the people i asked don’t know one another. however, i wasn’t completely taken aback because i do believe that we are all connected in a mysterious way and experience certain archetypal energies as a collective. so today, we are discussing friendships and, more specifically, when and how to release them.

when is it right to forgive and forget when someone does something that hurts you, i.e., when is it time to move on from that relationship?

this is an annoying answer, but it depends. how long have you known this person? (1) what was the severity of their action(s) on a scale of one to ten? was what they did completely out of character? or was it part of a larger pattern? did they even apologize?

either way, i do believe it is important to forgive them for your own sanity. forgiveness isn’t about the other person; it’s all about you. what you don’t want to do is be that person who is still vehemently muttering under their breath about something that happened back in middle school when you’re in your late twenties. forgive them because, technically, there is nothing to forgive. we need to loosen up on our concept of “right” and “wrong” because not everything is that cut and dry2. typically, people are doing the best that they can with what they have at the time (unless, of course, they are sociopathic, but that’s not what we are talking about here). there are countless times i look back at certain points in my life and cringe because i “could have handled something so much better,” except i couldn’t have because i didn’t have the tools, maturity, or perspective. in reality, i could have only done better now because i have all of those things now (well, maybe some of them), but certainly not back then. imagine your worst moment(s). now consider for a moment there are things you have done to hurt other people you aren’t even aware of. there could be someone out there who finds you highly annoying, and you have no idea. something tells me that you wouldn’t have considered yourself to be “wrong” or insufferable at that point in time. wouldn’t you want the benefit of the doubt that it was a mistake or one-time thing that shouldn’t define your character or how people perceive you forever? also, if you can’t think of anything, remember that you are a human being, so you definitely have done something “wrong” (and many things “right,” i’m sure) in someone’s eyes. forgiveness, although a beautiful concept, polarizes. we could debate whether what they did was “right” or “wrong”; it doesn’t matter. what matters is how you feel about it and how you feel about them as a result. you don’t want to carry that pain around or think of them longer than you have to. chew on that and one hundred percent forgive them, no matter what they did, so you can move on. as my sister likes to say regularly (usually in reference to our parents), you need to protect your peace.

all of that being said— don’t get it twisted. if someone does something really hurtful to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they deserve to be in your life so that they can continue to do bad sh*t (3) to you. forgive them, AND do not let what they did just fall by the wayside without some sort of action or conversation. i would say it is time to move on from that relationship if a) what they did was so terrible and irreparable, even if they have been your friend for the past fifty years, that you cannot look at them the same way again; b) perhaps what they did that was hurtful was less severe in nature, but it is a pattern that has not and doesn’t seem likely to change (“when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” - maya angelou); or c) they don’t even know what they did was upsetting, they didn’t apologize, so they are just utterly clueless and could just haphazardly hurt you again. none of these are fine. if they aren’t interested in, at the very least, taking accountability and fixing whatever damage they have done to you, it’s time to move on. if they have apologized, taken accountability, etc., and you believe they just f*cked up because what they did was out of character, consider allowing them space in your life to show you who they are. 

when you decide a relationship isn't worth maintaining, how do you create distance in a healthy and nonavoidant way?

two words: “slow fade.” i am so nonconfrontational it’s not even funny. (i hate confrontation; it is one of my largest learning curves in this lifetime. it makes me ill. one time, i had to tell one of my roommates something about keeping the noise down (i’m annoying and go to bed at ten), and i thought i was going to faint.) this does not mean that you should avoid them. you just put less energy into the relationship. they text you? text back a one-word answer (don’t suddenly disappear on them— that’s rude, and we aren’t rude). better yet, just react if you can three hours later. they try to talk to you in person in a group setting? keep it short and sweet. nod if you have to, and then find a way to a different corner of the room or a different building altogether (okay, that’s a bit avoidant). they try to make plans? you’re busy. you’ve got that thing you need to do. fade away into the abyss; they will get the hint.

this isn’t the most mature thing to do. however, this situation is a bit different from the above because there wasn’t one defining moment you can point to that would offer succinct closure if that person were to ask you why you don’t want to be friends anymore. if they do ask, what you can’t say is, “i decided you no longer add value to my life, so i’m done,” or “i decided that i don’t want to put energy into our relationship anymore because it’s not worth it to me.” i mean you could, but that’s uncalled for. it’s possibly even more hurtful than cutting someone off because they did something horrific. what if someone just told you you weren’t worth their time anymore? no one wants to hear that (even if it’s true). what you can do if they call you out or ask you what’s up is tell them the truth. you could say, “i have really enjoyed our friendship over the past x years. i’ve just noticed as we have gotten older and you’re engaged, and i’m getting a dog, and the sky is blue, and they ran out of that specialty item at trader joe’s again that i feel less connected to you a couple of years ago.” something like that. 

it’s perfectly natural to outgrow friendships. no one should look at you sideways because you feel like you’re no longer the same person you were a year ago or four years ago or eleven years ago. you shouldn’t be. your relationships not only need to keep up with your growth but also propel it. the friends i feel closet to inspire me; i feel curious around them. that is what attracts me to them. if i don’t feel that around you, then we aren’t that close, and the relationship will fade.

how do you “break up” with a friend who is part of a larger friend group? should you be truthful about your issues with that person to the other friends within the group when your opinion could be a bit one-sided and may change their opinions of that person?

if they did something distinct to you that is irreparable (question one), then have a conversation with them explaining that what they did hurt you and that you respectfully need space from them. if they didn’t do anything to you but you are simply growing apart (question two), you can either “slow-fade” them away over time or let them know that you don’t feel as connected to them anymore, so you would also appreciate some space— forever.

if your friends do not ask you, keep it to yourself. you don’t need to unsolicitedly share your biased opinion about that person with your other friends unless what they did was so heinous it’s dangerous and you need to protect your friends from them or it is part of a larger, impersonal pattern that you have also observed with your other friends and it is impacting them. if you’re all really close, you know your friends and can determine whether they would want to know your side of things. use your judgment there.

chances are that your other friends will want to know what happened. come on, the last time one of your friends decided that they no longer wanted anything to do with george, didn’t you wonder why? what you can always do is preface whatever you say with, “this is my experience of x” or “this is my opinion on what happened.” then they can move forward in their relationship with that person in whatever manner they choose. we are sovereign beings. i do not believe that if someone is anchored in the full integrity of who they are, what you have to say can completely sway their opinion. it would be additional information, and again, they can move forward accordingly in whatever way they decide. what you can also do is encourage them to talk to the other person. i would raise an eyebrow if someone told me that i shouldn’t speak to alex again because they have an issue with them. acknowledge that your narrative is only half of the story, and you’re sure that the other person has their version as well. with that, your friends will have the full picture, and they can decide what they want to do with all of the information.

overall, keep it honest and respectful. after that, it is out of your hands.

talk soon x katherine

(1) knowing someone for a long time does not mean they get a hall pass. don’t be a prisoner to the sunk cost fallacy and only stay friends with them because you have known them for several years. all i mean by this is if you have known them for a long time, you will be able to tell what they did is out of character or not. it’s a factor in your decision-making, not a reason to keep a relationship around.

(2) let me be clear: this does not mean that people can go around doing heinous sh*t all of the time and not be held accountable. the way i interpret “right” and “wrong” has more to do with the person’s feelings regarding the situation rather than debating whether something is objectively “right” and “wrong” because that will always be dependent on context, perspective, etc. if we are holding space for nuance. i am always and only on the side of empathy. again, the patience, empathy, respect, and depth you are exhibiting by not immediately dichotomizing are less about the other person and more about embodying those qualities with yourself and continuously amazing yourself with your capacity to expand in that love. if there was ever a time to be self-centered, i.e., centered in yourself, this is it. with that grace you can offer someone the opportunity to reflect if they chose to do so. we can never change other people, we can only set an example with how we move through the world. okay, i'm off my soapbox.

(3) i don’t really have an issue with swearing, i just like the look of an asterisk.

dreaming about presence

A couple of years ago, I sat with an extraordinarily talented and powerful shamanic practitioner. During our session, she shared a vision of my father holding me as a baby. She shared that when he held me, his understanding of love changed as he thought, “Oh, so this is what love is?” She said he cherished me from the beginning, was so proud of me, and was in amazement of the vulnerable, delicate, tiny, magical human being that just landed earthside. He was in complete and utter awe.

A few years later, I sat in the kitchen with my dad’s cousin. She is an indescribably beautiful, sweet, compassionate, empathetic, and powerful woman. We only got to know each other when she visited that spring. I loved hearing about her stories as a doula; the stages of preconception, pregnancy, and birth have always been endlessly intriguing to me. Unprompted, she told me about the first time she witnessed my dad with me. She told me about the unprecedented love she saw in his eyes when he looked at me. She would say over and over again, “Your dad loved you so much. He would barely let anyone hold you. He loves you so so much.”

Birth and children often inspire awe. We can’t help but take a moment and be present when we see children. When I see flowers, hummingbirds, or a spectacular moonrise, I am in awe; I fall in love. It’s so simple and yet somehow underrated. Every aspect of nature is a portal or gateway for someone to fall in love. I am in love with The Forest, while some find more solace in The Ocean. Not everyone falls in love with the same things, but nature has enough multidimensionality, diversity, and multiplicity that there is something for everyone. I heard once that no one needs to be taught how to be in awe and, thus, how to see (1) beauty (2). When we experience awe, we witness beauty and fall in love.

Love creates connection, whether we are connecting the disjoint aspects of ourselves, creating connections with one another, or connecting to something greater than ourselves. Awe is an effortless way to find ourselves in Mother Earth’s infinite dimensions. If you’re anything like me, it is much easier to be in awe of what appears to be outside ourselves. Whenever I am in awe of something in nature (which is truly a mirror for our beauty), I remind myself that this is what my dad felt the moment he saw me, and I am reborn in the awe I have for myself.

My dad and I are both dreamers and naturally have a more romantic view of the world (though I’m not sure he would admit that). That doesn’t mean we gloss over the atrocities that are present; they are opportunities to create something new, to create a more connected, beautiful, and harmonious world. Everyone has an equally crucial role to play in healing the planet collectively. Integrating this softer, more loving energy into our daily lives can go a long way.

I think the most important daily ritual we can engage with is presence. When I contemplate the threads that connect us all via our humanity, the one that feels the most important is that we all want to be seen, heard, and loved. We all want to belong amongst ourselves and one another. I truly believe that if we are present, we can observe the beauty within just about anyone and effortlessly experience love in that shared space. Presence is the gateway to beauty, which leads us to love. It’s a simple and powerful practice because we don’t need any tools; it’s spaceless and timeless. It may not always be easy to check our biases, wounds, patterns, filters, etc., at the door because those make us human. They are equally beautiful; there is time and space for them when we are present with ourselves. When you are with others, try to empty them out for a moment so you can see them with the utmost clarity. If we are truly present, I don’t believe there is any way that the other person won’t feel truly seen.

Whenever we are with someone, we have the power to birth something new within that person, within ourselves, and vice versa. It can be as simple as newfound empathy, compassion, or understanding. What you choose to co-create with that person is up to you. Imagine just taking in someone for exactly who they are and just being there in awe of them. Listen a bit more than you speak (don’t worry, there’s a time and place for offering yourself, too). Do the same for yourself. With this, we will preserve the richness in self-sovereignty, multidimensionality, and diversity that is currently fading.

If it doesn’t come easily to you, imagine someone you love first and feel into how you see them. Now try bringing that same feeling, that same energy, into the space with everyone else. See them through the same eyes of love you absorb your loved ones with. Do the same for yourself; imagine how someone that you know loves you unconditionally feels about you and hold yourself in that feeling. It’s a daily practice, and I imagine it can change a lot about the world if we all practice it endlessly. This is my dream for the planet.

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(1) When I write “see beauty,” it is not to exclude anyone who does not experience vision like I do. I also experience beauty via cycles and synchronicity, e.g., the moon, sun, and seasonal cycles that we all have access to. That’s just one example of a felt experience. Beauty and awe can be experienced via any of the five plus senses.

(2) Disclaimer: I first heard this idea from Zach Bush, M.D., who received it from a colleague. I don’t know Zach’s work extensively and thus do not claim to agree with all of his ideas, but I want to give credit where credit is due.

dreaming about my sister

endlessly dreaming about developing compassionate, empathetic stories to resurrect, cultivate, and celebrate nuance and diversity within the self and to answer the question: what does it mean to birth a more connected, beautiful, and harmonious world?

editor’s note: thought this was going to be for my about me page and wound up being a piece devoted to how much i adore my sister

As I am writing this, contemplating what I would want you to know about me, I am simultaneously imagining that if there was only one thing I could learn about other people, what would it be?

Consider this: when we land earthside, we all have a vision, a question, or better yet, a dream deeply embedded within us. This question leads us to fall in love with some aspect of this world we are meant to nurture, rebalance, and protect. If there were one thing I would want to know about other people or to have them know about me, it would be that question. What are you endlessly curious about? This musing is the core of everyone’s essence. As infinite-dimensional beings, I believe every aspect of our lives reflects that question in one manner or another, whether it is our careers, relationships (especially our relationships), wounds, patterns, choices, consciousnesses, dreams, desires, etc. Yes… I would want to know this about everyone if given the chance.

How I word my question varies throughout time; it now reads: “What does it mean to birth a more connected, beautiful, and harmonious world?” This question has always been with me, and I don’t believe it has an answer. Every query is a portal of boundless curiosities, perspectives, and possibilities. This question has initiated exploration surrounding personal mythology, archetypes, symbolism, dreams, relationships, self-sovereignty, femininity, beauty, nature, and belonging. I dream of it every day. I look forward to creating more conversation surrounding these awe-inspiring themes born from my unanswerable question.

To reiterate, this question has no answer and is paradoxical in nature. This is because this world is simultaneously perfect and imperfect. It’s already beautiful as is, even if there are aspects of it many would consider ugly. “Beautiful” and “ugly” as naturally occurring opposites are soulmates, as are any diametrically opposing dualistic poles. (Think “light” and “shadow” minus all of the “love and light” rhetoric.) I.e., with that innate beauty, there is also so much shadow, and yet so much beauty in every shadow. Everything is synchronous and has something to teach us because everything is woven by the same sacred intelligence. That sacred intelligence allows us to recognize beauty when we see it. Beauty inspires awe; love is the experience of awe. Just because things aren’t how we would want them to be doesn’t mean that beauty isn’t there. That is why I liken that Sacred Intelligence to The Mother. As I have learned from my own mother and the timeless archetype, what makes a great mother isn’t one who always gives us what we want but what we need. The Mother’s intelligence guides her to meet the needs of those She cares for.

I have remembered over the past couple of years what I am incredibly thankful for, and admittedly, it took not having them to realize just how important they are to me. I am thankful for my access to clean air (note I have always been thankful to go for walks outside and dually aware of how much better I feel when I can, but not having pristine air circa the summer of 2023 compounded this sense of gratitude), clean water (I was warned that the water in my college town might have trace amounts of lead; I drank from the tap like an idiot (now I have a nice water filter)), sunlight (my bedroom right now isn’t the most inviting to the sun but I acknowledge the lack thereof is also due to the winter) and natural beauty of the earth (I feel a strong magnetism during spring and summer but I am learning to appreciate the winter).

For whatever reason, simply stating that I am eternally grateful for clean air, clean water, warm sunlight, and the beauty of the earth feels like a resounding way to acknowledge how I am astoundingly and inherently privileged; it’s where and how I ground. Nonetheless, for a while, this privilege somewhat blocked me from writing about things that I unequivocally care about because there are so many people who do not have adequate access to clean air, clean water, warm sunlight, and the earth's natural beauty. Everything I wrote seemed trivial when compared to all of the injustice and ugliness present. Shouldn’t those people be cared for first? Possibly. I think this could be argued both ways. Either way that is unacceptable.

When I run up against this wall, I am inspired by my sister. My sister has the largest heart of anyone I know (she jokes that she inherited it from our maternal grandmother, whose spirit I can feel with me every day) and is dedicating her life to occupational therapy, focusing on those experiencing mental health challenges. Mental health isn’t always considered a basic need such as clean air, water, etc. Mental health challenges are invariably prevalent in equity-deserving communities, and it can be incredibly difficult to obtain access to adequate care. Even if you have the resources, as I have seen in my own family, it is still stigmatized in so many BIPOC communities to seek out any form of care even though any form of health is your quality of life. It has taken me such a long time to even heal my own biases as to where mental health care falls on the hierarchy of needs. Her dream reminded me of mine in that mental health should be treated as a basic need and made accessible to everyone, and it’s awful that, for many, it’s considered to be a privilege because other, very pressing, especially physical, basic needs haven’t been met. Access to clean air, clean water, warm sunlight, and the beauty of the earth is a universal need and should not be for what is considered to be the privileged few within the larger global community. Spatial equity and belonging, i.e., equity for everyone regardless of background, physical features, personally held beliefs, etc., in every space should be treated as a requirement, and it is sad that in comparison to other outrageous, endangering inequities that it appears like a privilege. Thank you, my beautiful, loving sister, for inspiring me.

When I think even deeper about my sister and question, “What does it mean to birth a more connected, beautiful, and harmonious world?” I believe connection, beauty, and harmony are already present. It’s our relationship with these energies that needs to change. I.e., the “birthing” may be more of a “revealing.” I think that when you see beauty as something natural, it’s no longer a privilege; it’s innate. It’s sad that right now, beauty is seen as only available for the privileged few; such is the same with many social injustices. We all belong in beauty. We all belong on Earth. We all deserve the beauty, connection, joy, peace, and belonging of being human.

I am very fortunate to have access to clean air, clean water, warm sunlight, and the beauty of the earth. Just because I have so much doesn’t mean I leave everything as is. I think it means you need to give of yourself, your natural beauty, more because you have those resources. Ground in what you are grateful for and how much you already have, and move from there. We all have different shadows that guide us with their intelligence to create something new. There are many “shoulds” that we need to rebalance. My sister’s vision, her dream, reminds me that there are so many talented healers of all forms doing their part in whatever way they see fit to create a more connected, beautiful, and harmonious world. I may not agree with everyone’s interpretation of what that is and how it manifests, but I do trust that as long as I offer myself in whatever way I feel guided, the outcome is synchronous and continuously rebalancing, limitlessly offering opportunities for learning, creativity, and innovation.

x katherine