dreaming about friendships

disclaimer: the recording and following words are for entertainment purposes only and do not constitute medical or psychological advice. please always seek the advice of a physician or mental health professional.

author’s note: the below is not a transcript of the recording. i wanted to play around with recording my answers (still having fun experimenting with my voice) and writing them, so some of the information is different within each version. i enjoyed both formats, so pick whichever or both ;) now, onto the fun stuff…

hello everyone, and welcome to my advice column (?)! i came to the idea for this project because a) i find relationships to be the most endlessly fascinating aspect of humanity— truly, i can go on and on forever about them and do not get tired of listening to people talk about them; b) a large part of my writing project heavily relies on portraying nuanced, realistic interpersonal dynamics and it would be great to expand beyond what i already know; and c) it sounded like it would be a lot of fun. this is my current artistic vision, and we will see how it goes. i had no idea how people get an advice column up and running when they are new to a platform (still don’t), so i solicited my friends for help (thank you so much to everyone who submitted a question; i had so much fun reading them).

when I originally asked for questions, i really thought that they would all be wildly different (somehow), but they all wound up being about friendship (which made selecting the theme for this post easy). i have to say, what is in the water right now? i guess i was a bit surprised at the similarity because even though i didn’t ask the most diverse sample of people (they all have me in common, after all), most of the people i asked don’t know one another. however, i wasn’t completely taken aback because i do believe that we are all connected in a mysterious way and experience certain archetypal energies as a collective. so today, we are discussing friendships and, more specifically, when and how to release them.

when is it right to forgive and forget when someone does something that hurts you, i.e., when is it time to move on from that relationship?

this is an annoying answer, but it depends. how long have you known this person? (1) what was the severity of their action(s) on a scale of one to ten? was what they did completely out of character? or was it part of a larger pattern? did they even apologize?

either way, i do believe it is important to forgive them for your own sanity. forgiveness isn’t about the other person; it’s all about you. what you don’t want to do is be that person who is still vehemently muttering under their breath about something that happened back in middle school when you’re in your late twenties. forgive them because, technically, there is nothing to forgive. we need to loosen up on our concept of “right” and “wrong” because not everything is that cut and dry2. typically, people are doing the best that they can with what they have at the time (unless, of course, they are sociopathic, but that’s not what we are talking about here). there are countless times i look back at certain points in my life and cringe because i “could have handled something so much better,” except i couldn’t have because i didn’t have the tools, maturity, or perspective. in reality, i could have only done better now because i have all of those things now (well, maybe some of them), but certainly not back then. imagine your worst moment(s). now consider for a moment there are things you have done to hurt other people you aren’t even aware of. there could be someone out there who finds you highly annoying, and you have no idea. something tells me that you wouldn’t have considered yourself to be “wrong” or insufferable at that point in time. wouldn’t you want the benefit of the doubt that it was a mistake or one-time thing that shouldn’t define your character or how people perceive you forever? also, if you can’t think of anything, remember that you are a human being, so you definitely have done something “wrong” (and many things “right,” i’m sure) in someone’s eyes. forgiveness, although a beautiful concept, polarizes. we could debate whether what they did was “right” or “wrong”; it doesn’t matter. what matters is how you feel about it and how you feel about them as a result. you don’t want to carry that pain around or think of them longer than you have to. chew on that and one hundred percent forgive them, no matter what they did, so you can move on. as my sister likes to say regularly (usually in reference to our parents), you need to protect your peace.

all of that being said— don’t get it twisted. if someone does something really hurtful to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they deserve to be in your life so that they can continue to do bad sh*t (3) to you. forgive them, AND do not let what they did just fall by the wayside without some sort of action or conversation. i would say it is time to move on from that relationship if a) what they did was so terrible and irreparable, even if they have been your friend for the past fifty years, that you cannot look at them the same way again; b) perhaps what they did that was hurtful was less severe in nature, but it is a pattern that has not and doesn’t seem likely to change (“when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” - maya angelou); or c) they don’t even know what they did was upsetting, they didn’t apologize, so they are just utterly clueless and could just haphazardly hurt you again. none of these are fine. if they aren’t interested in, at the very least, taking accountability and fixing whatever damage they have done to you, it’s time to move on. if they have apologized, taken accountability, etc., and you believe they just f*cked up because what they did was out of character, consider allowing them space in your life to show you who they are. 

when you decide a relationship isn't worth maintaining, how do you create distance in a healthy and nonavoidant way?

two words: “slow fade.” i am so nonconfrontational it’s not even funny. (i hate confrontation; it is one of my largest learning curves in this lifetime. it makes me ill. one time, i had to tell one of my roommates something about keeping the noise down (i’m annoying and go to bed at ten), and i thought i was going to faint.) this does not mean that you should avoid them. you just put less energy into the relationship. they text you? text back a one-word answer (don’t suddenly disappear on them— that’s rude, and we aren’t rude). better yet, just react if you can three hours later. they try to talk to you in person in a group setting? keep it short and sweet. nod if you have to, and then find a way to a different corner of the room or a different building altogether (okay, that’s a bit avoidant). they try to make plans? you’re busy. you’ve got that thing you need to do. fade away into the abyss; they will get the hint.

this isn’t the most mature thing to do. however, this situation is a bit different from the above because there wasn’t one defining moment you can point to that would offer succinct closure if that person were to ask you why you don’t want to be friends anymore. if they do ask, what you can’t say is, “i decided you no longer add value to my life, so i’m done,” or “i decided that i don’t want to put energy into our relationship anymore because it’s not worth it to me.” i mean you could, but that’s uncalled for. it’s possibly even more hurtful than cutting someone off because they did something horrific. what if someone just told you you weren’t worth their time anymore? no one wants to hear that (even if it’s true). what you can do if they call you out or ask you what’s up is tell them the truth. you could say, “i have really enjoyed our friendship over the past x years. i’ve just noticed as we have gotten older and you’re engaged, and i’m getting a dog, and the sky is blue, and they ran out of that specialty item at trader joe’s again that i feel less connected to you a couple of years ago.” something like that. 

it’s perfectly natural to outgrow friendships. no one should look at you sideways because you feel like you’re no longer the same person you were a year ago or four years ago or eleven years ago. you shouldn’t be. your relationships not only need to keep up with your growth but also propel it. the friends i feel closet to inspire me; i feel curious around them. that is what attracts me to them. if i don’t feel that around you, then we aren’t that close, and the relationship will fade.

how do you “break up” with a friend who is part of a larger friend group? should you be truthful about your issues with that person to the other friends within the group when your opinion could be a bit one-sided and may change their opinions of that person?

if they did something distinct to you that is irreparable (question one), then have a conversation with them explaining that what they did hurt you and that you respectfully need space from them. if they didn’t do anything to you but you are simply growing apart (question two), you can either “slow-fade” them away over time or let them know that you don’t feel as connected to them anymore, so you would also appreciate some space— forever.

if your friends do not ask you, keep it to yourself. you don’t need to unsolicitedly share your biased opinion about that person with your other friends unless what they did was so heinous it’s dangerous and you need to protect your friends from them or it is part of a larger, impersonal pattern that you have also observed with your other friends and it is impacting them. if you’re all really close, you know your friends and can determine whether they would want to know your side of things. use your judgment there.

chances are that your other friends will want to know what happened. come on, the last time one of your friends decided that they no longer wanted anything to do with george, didn’t you wonder why? what you can always do is preface whatever you say with, “this is my experience of x” or “this is my opinion on what happened.” then they can move forward in their relationship with that person in whatever manner they choose. we are sovereign beings. i do not believe that if someone is anchored in the full integrity of who they are, what you have to say can completely sway their opinion. it would be additional information, and again, they can move forward accordingly in whatever way they decide. what you can also do is encourage them to talk to the other person. i would raise an eyebrow if someone told me that i shouldn’t speak to alex again because they have an issue with them. acknowledge that your narrative is only half of the story, and you’re sure that the other person has their version as well. with that, your friends will have the full picture, and they can decide what they want to do with all of the information.

overall, keep it honest and respectful. after that, it is out of your hands.

talk soon x katherine

(1) knowing someone for a long time does not mean they get a hall pass. don’t be a prisoner to the sunk cost fallacy and only stay friends with them because you have known them for several years. all i mean by this is if you have known them for a long time, you will be able to tell what they did is out of character or not. it’s a factor in your decision-making, not a reason to keep a relationship around.

(2) let me be clear: this does not mean that people can go around doing heinous sh*t all of the time and not be held accountable. the way i interpret “right” and “wrong” has more to do with the person’s feelings regarding the situation rather than debating whether something is objectively “right” and “wrong” because that will always be dependent on context, perspective, etc. if we are holding space for nuance. i am always and only on the side of empathy. again, the patience, empathy, respect, and depth you are exhibiting by not immediately dichotomizing are less about the other person and more about embodying those qualities with yourself and continuously amazing yourself with your capacity to expand in that love. if there was ever a time to be self-centered, i.e., centered in yourself, this is it. with that grace you can offer someone the opportunity to reflect if they chose to do so. we can never change other people, we can only set an example with how we move through the world. okay, i'm off my soapbox.

(3) i don’t really have an issue with swearing, i just like the look of an asterisk.

dreaming about genre, point of view, and tense

author’s note: i typically don’t record my voice for an hour and then post that recording to the internet. be gentle.

initially, i couldn’t decide whether to discuss my findings from writing the first two chapters of my book in written or audio format. i chose to record, which was a lot of fun, and wow, it’s not that easy (which, thankfully, i wasn’t delusional enough to think in the first place). i had several ideas i wanted to share and for some reason the process of writing them down, editing the essay, and then publishing it felt like it would take too long, so here we are. 

topics include: introducing a little bit (really the tiniest bit) about myself and my project, the genre i was attracted to and why, how critical it is to nail down the point of view before getting started, choosing the tense of your book, and the importance of checking yourself when storytelling in the wild (just a weird way of saying be aware of how you talk about others to other people).

books mentioned: severance by ling ma, bliss montage by ling ma, good material by dolly alderton, the alternatives by caoilinn hughes, and the book of love by kelly link.

thanks for listening x

dreaming about being the beginner

Hi! It’s Katherine. Let’s skip over how strange it is to introduce yourself through writing (versus speaking) and dive right in.

Welcome back! I originally started this substack as a space to host my collection of personal essays. Personal essay writing has always been emphatically close to my heart; it was the first gateway through which I gained access to the depths of my own empathy to cultivate more nuanced understandings of myself and others. Recently, I noticed that the last essay I published was about a year ago. For someone who has always felt so connected to writing, I found it unusual that I hadn’t finished an essay within that time period. I wasn’t wholly surprised because I hadn’t felt inspired to write anything to completion in a while. During that time, I had half started a couple of essays, and my journal kept filling with illegible scribbles, so I was writing but not finishing anything. I couldn’t locate or further describe the disenchantment I was feeling over the past year.

As it turns out, the lack of enthusiasm wasn’t related to writing itself, as that has been a natural passion of mine for as long as I can remember, but how I was writing. I have always valued growth within myself, and I could feel myself coming to a standstill with my self-expression. The themes and structure coming through just felt recurrent and stale. Even my journal entries felt a bit repetitive. It all felt stagnant (unsurprisingly reflecting the stagnancy in other corners of my life). With time, I could feel the natural ending occurring and space for something fresh.

A couple of months ago, I was sitting with a friend, and she suggested that I explore writing fiction. My immediate thought was that I don’t have the mind for fiction (one of my roommates told me a while ago that he writes fiction for fun; I was openly jealous of his creative mind and wished mine worked that way). When I really sat with it, I realized I am one of the most ungrounded people I know. For real, my mind may as well always be somewhere else. I can be brought back down to reality occasionally for interpersonal conversations, but most of my time is spent in my own head, daydreaming. So I figured, why not put that to use? Not that being a space case makes you a great writer, but something about what she said felt right.

I used to write fiction when I was much younger, and while I’m pretty sure it was awful, I was probably onto something. (After all, typically, the ways we choose to spend our time as children are reflective of our most honest selves.) Storytelling, in general, is a critical and massive portal for compassion, empathy, and healing that we so desperately need right now. There are so many ways to open up this gateway; this is the one I seem to be eternally curious about.

Anytime I engaged in my own self-healing previously (and I ran through the gamut in terms of spiritual exploration, e.g., tarot cards, crystals, the chakra system, energy healing, essential oils, astrology (ask any of my friends— I still won’t shut up about it because it’s so real), numerology, auras, various oracle decks, spirit animals, more spirit guides, and so on) I was always led back to the same place: love. If you are using these systems intending to tap into your own unconditional kindness, they are all the same. Love, kindness, empathy, and connection are the most powerful healing forces. You don’t need anything else; the message is simple. Those aforementioned tools are really cool and fun, but really, our connection to nature, to ourselves, and the natural abundance of love within us is what is most important. I’m hesitant to say that “love solves everything” (because I know how that sounds like b.s., especially in a world filled with an unbearable amount of injustices and atrocities). Still, the poetic side of me, deep down, does believe that it can fix a lot. What could we accomplish in the world if we all really cared and looked out for one another?

No matter what avenue I went down I always arrived at that same message. This was a little frustrating at first because, in my mind, I would constantly think, “There are only so many ways in which you can tell everyone that they need to be more kind, more compassionate, more empathetic, etc. because you never know what someone is experiencing within themselves.” (This is not meant to be perfected; it’s a constant and consistent practice that, while I am committed to it, I certainly haven’t perfected anything.) Really though, how many times and ways can that be said before people really integrate and embody it? With fiction, an infinite amount. When I really thought about it, I felt renewed. In fiction, even if the message is dressed up in genetically-cybernetically-modified-raccoons fighting alongside alien assassins and other interdimensional creatures in intense action scenes against a space backdrop set to a semi-retro-funky-disco film score to save the universe (yes, I just rewatched Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 last night), it is still the same: love and connection is the vital fabric that connects all living beings, and it is very difficult to live a full life without it. It’s the same archetypal message that is the foundation of many other movies, television shows, books… all forms of art. What I find so fascinating about this is that the core themes are all the same, but because we are so wildly different as humans, it takes different modes for these themes to touch our hearts and reverberate throughout our spirits.

I have always been curious about fiction. If I remember correctly, I’ve had the intention to complete a work of fiction since about college (the worst time for someone who was masking as a computer science engineer— seriously, who has all the time to do what you love when you’re spending all of it doing things you don’t?). I toyed with the idea for years until my friend (what a talented mirror and healer) brought it up again, and I figured now was the time. I love writing and being “in process,” so the idea of having a long-term project to pour myself into sounded fun. Fiction isn’t something I’ve been practicing, so writing a novel makes me a beginner.

Hence, this substack. I am far from an expert in fiction writing or writing at all (for now, anyway— who knows…), but I adore learning and following my curiosities. I recently began reading fiction again to bring myself into that headspace (I highly recommend Severance by Ling Ma, Bliss Montage also by Ling Ma, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin— I know I’m late to the party) and realized not only how much I actually love being absorbed into alternate worlds but that I want to know how to create the same detailed, well-constructed experience. Anytime I am reading or watching a television show, I am always in awe of the spectacular and emotionally moving character development, how the characters accentuate different aspects of one another, how the plot underneath connects everything like a puzzle, etc. Writing nonfiction comes naturally to me, and fiction is the new frontier, a challenge. It feels exciting, and I wanted to share the process of being "the beginner” here.

Welcome to “Dream Girl,” a project that blends the exploration of storytelling and the feminine. These two words are particularly special to me, separately and together. “Dream” to honor my friend who first saw the “dreamer” in me and encouraged me to embody my true multidimensional nature (I love and thank you for seeing me so clearly); “Girl” for my eternal curiosity re: creating conversation surrounding the feminine and feminism as a return to nature and empathy; and “Dream Girl” for the notion that the object of our affection, admiration, and adoration, The Lover, is within The Self (it’s almost as cliché as it reads). These themes have been heavily prevalent throughout my life and will always be woven into any story I tell. They need our attention. Even if you’re not on the journey of rediscovering your creative voice (although who isn’t?) I am confident that this is a conversation for everyone. More to come on that.

As someone who struggles daily with perfectionism (I’m rolling my eyes with you), I can already tell how frustrating and expansive this will be. I have noted that my favorite content creators of the moment all have the same thing in common: they are simply “in process” with life. They don’t claim to be experts with respect to anything; they’re just exploring. They have a raw playfulness and experimental nature that I admire. Growth is everything. Often, we are deeply attracted to those who have a lot of curiosity and playfulness. I also believe we are the most attracted to ourselves when we embody these qualities, so it’s important to have practices in place to give them the fresh air they need to be expressed.

What does it mean to develop meaningful, diverse, and inclusive stories? What about certain stories inspire us to listen and immerse ourselves in someone else’s experience, whether that is a memoir or fantasy novel? How do we leverage storytelling to create more thoughtful conversations surrounding elevated empathy and connection?

looking forward to exploring more of these questions and potential answers with you :)

talk soon x katherine