dreaming about friendships
disclaimer: the recording and following words are for entertainment purposes only and do not constitute medical or psychological advice. please always seek the advice of a physician or mental health professional.
author’s note: the below is not a transcript of the recording. i wanted to play around with recording my answers (still having fun experimenting with my voice) and writing them, so some of the information is different within each version. i enjoyed both formats, so pick whichever or both ;) now, onto the fun stuff…
hello everyone, and welcome to my advice column (?)! i came to the idea for this project because a) i find relationships to be the most endlessly fascinating aspect of humanity— truly, i can go on and on forever about them and do not get tired of listening to people talk about them; b) a large part of my writing project heavily relies on portraying nuanced, realistic interpersonal dynamics and it would be great to expand beyond what i already know; and c) it sounded like it would be a lot of fun. this is my current artistic vision, and we will see how it goes. i had no idea how people get an advice column up and running when they are new to a platform (still don’t), so i solicited my friends for help (thank you so much to everyone who submitted a question; i had so much fun reading them).
when I originally asked for questions, i really thought that they would all be wildly different (somehow), but they all wound up being about friendship (which made selecting the theme for this post easy). i have to say, what is in the water right now? i guess i was a bit surprised at the similarity because even though i didn’t ask the most diverse sample of people (they all have me in common, after all), most of the people i asked don’t know one another. however, i wasn’t completely taken aback because i do believe that we are all connected in a mysterious way and experience certain archetypal energies as a collective. so today, we are discussing friendships and, more specifically, when and how to release them.
when is it right to forgive and forget when someone does something that hurts you, i.e., when is it time to move on from that relationship?
this is an annoying answer, but it depends. how long have you known this person? (1) what was the severity of their action(s) on a scale of one to ten? was what they did completely out of character? or was it part of a larger pattern? did they even apologize?
either way, i do believe it is important to forgive them for your own sanity. forgiveness isn’t about the other person; it’s all about you. what you don’t want to do is be that person who is still vehemently muttering under their breath about something that happened back in middle school when you’re in your late twenties. forgive them because, technically, there is nothing to forgive. we need to loosen up on our concept of “right” and “wrong” because not everything is that cut and dry2. typically, people are doing the best that they can with what they have at the time (unless, of course, they are sociopathic, but that’s not what we are talking about here). there are countless times i look back at certain points in my life and cringe because i “could have handled something so much better,” except i couldn’t have because i didn’t have the tools, maturity, or perspective. in reality, i could have only done better now because i have all of those things now (well, maybe some of them), but certainly not back then. imagine your worst moment(s). now consider for a moment there are things you have done to hurt other people you aren’t even aware of. there could be someone out there who finds you highly annoying, and you have no idea. something tells me that you wouldn’t have considered yourself to be “wrong” or insufferable at that point in time. wouldn’t you want the benefit of the doubt that it was a mistake or one-time thing that shouldn’t define your character or how people perceive you forever? also, if you can’t think of anything, remember that you are a human being, so you definitely have done something “wrong” (and many things “right,” i’m sure) in someone’s eyes. forgiveness, although a beautiful concept, polarizes. we could debate whether what they did was “right” or “wrong”; it doesn’t matter. what matters is how you feel about it and how you feel about them as a result. you don’t want to carry that pain around or think of them longer than you have to. chew on that and one hundred percent forgive them, no matter what they did, so you can move on. as my sister likes to say regularly (usually in reference to our parents), you need to protect your peace.
all of that being said— don’t get it twisted. if someone does something really hurtful to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they deserve to be in your life so that they can continue to do bad sh*t (3) to you. forgive them, AND do not let what they did just fall by the wayside without some sort of action or conversation. i would say it is time to move on from that relationship if a) what they did was so terrible and irreparable, even if they have been your friend for the past fifty years, that you cannot look at them the same way again; b) perhaps what they did that was hurtful was less severe in nature, but it is a pattern that has not and doesn’t seem likely to change (“when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” - maya angelou); or c) they don’t even know what they did was upsetting, they didn’t apologize, so they are just utterly clueless and could just haphazardly hurt you again. none of these are fine. if they aren’t interested in, at the very least, taking accountability and fixing whatever damage they have done to you, it’s time to move on. if they have apologized, taken accountability, etc., and you believe they just f*cked up because what they did was out of character, consider allowing them space in your life to show you who they are.
when you decide a relationship isn't worth maintaining, how do you create distance in a healthy and nonavoidant way?
two words: “slow fade.” i am so nonconfrontational it’s not even funny. (i hate confrontation; it is one of my largest learning curves in this lifetime. it makes me ill. one time, i had to tell one of my roommates something about keeping the noise down (i’m annoying and go to bed at ten), and i thought i was going to faint.) this does not mean that you should avoid them. you just put less energy into the relationship. they text you? text back a one-word answer (don’t suddenly disappear on them— that’s rude, and we aren’t rude). better yet, just react if you can three hours later. they try to talk to you in person in a group setting? keep it short and sweet. nod if you have to, and then find a way to a different corner of the room or a different building altogether (okay, that’s a bit avoidant). they try to make plans? you’re busy. you’ve got that thing you need to do. fade away into the abyss; they will get the hint.
this isn’t the most mature thing to do. however, this situation is a bit different from the above because there wasn’t one defining moment you can point to that would offer succinct closure if that person were to ask you why you don’t want to be friends anymore. if they do ask, what you can’t say is, “i decided you no longer add value to my life, so i’m done,” or “i decided that i don’t want to put energy into our relationship anymore because it’s not worth it to me.” i mean you could, but that’s uncalled for. it’s possibly even more hurtful than cutting someone off because they did something horrific. what if someone just told you you weren’t worth their time anymore? no one wants to hear that (even if it’s true). what you can do if they call you out or ask you what’s up is tell them the truth. you could say, “i have really enjoyed our friendship over the past x years. i’ve just noticed as we have gotten older and you’re engaged, and i’m getting a dog, and the sky is blue, and they ran out of that specialty item at trader joe’s again that i feel less connected to you a couple of years ago.” something like that.
it’s perfectly natural to outgrow friendships. no one should look at you sideways because you feel like you’re no longer the same person you were a year ago or four years ago or eleven years ago. you shouldn’t be. your relationships not only need to keep up with your growth but also propel it. the friends i feel closet to inspire me; i feel curious around them. that is what attracts me to them. if i don’t feel that around you, then we aren’t that close, and the relationship will fade.
how do you “break up” with a friend who is part of a larger friend group? should you be truthful about your issues with that person to the other friends within the group when your opinion could be a bit one-sided and may change their opinions of that person?
if they did something distinct to you that is irreparable (question one), then have a conversation with them explaining that what they did hurt you and that you respectfully need space from them. if they didn’t do anything to you but you are simply growing apart (question two), you can either “slow-fade” them away over time or let them know that you don’t feel as connected to them anymore, so you would also appreciate some space— forever.
if your friends do not ask you, keep it to yourself. you don’t need to unsolicitedly share your biased opinion about that person with your other friends unless what they did was so heinous it’s dangerous and you need to protect your friends from them or it is part of a larger, impersonal pattern that you have also observed with your other friends and it is impacting them. if you’re all really close, you know your friends and can determine whether they would want to know your side of things. use your judgment there.
chances are that your other friends will want to know what happened. come on, the last time one of your friends decided that they no longer wanted anything to do with george, didn’t you wonder why? what you can always do is preface whatever you say with, “this is my experience of x” or “this is my opinion on what happened.” then they can move forward in their relationship with that person in whatever manner they choose. we are sovereign beings. i do not believe that if someone is anchored in the full integrity of who they are, what you have to say can completely sway their opinion. it would be additional information, and again, they can move forward accordingly in whatever way they decide. what you can also do is encourage them to talk to the other person. i would raise an eyebrow if someone told me that i shouldn’t speak to alex again because they have an issue with them. acknowledge that your narrative is only half of the story, and you’re sure that the other person has their version as well. with that, your friends will have the full picture, and they can decide what they want to do with all of the information.
overall, keep it honest and respectful. after that, it is out of your hands.
talk soon x katherine
(1) knowing someone for a long time does not mean they get a hall pass. don’t be a prisoner to the sunk cost fallacy and only stay friends with them because you have known them for several years. all i mean by this is if you have known them for a long time, you will be able to tell what they did is out of character or not. it’s a factor in your decision-making, not a reason to keep a relationship around.
(2) let me be clear: this does not mean that people can go around doing heinous sh*t all of the time and not be held accountable. the way i interpret “right” and “wrong” has more to do with the person’s feelings regarding the situation rather than debating whether something is objectively “right” and “wrong” because that will always be dependent on context, perspective, etc. if we are holding space for nuance. i am always and only on the side of empathy. again, the patience, empathy, respect, and depth you are exhibiting by not immediately dichotomizing are less about the other person and more about embodying those qualities with yourself and continuously amazing yourself with your capacity to expand in that love. if there was ever a time to be self-centered, i.e., centered in yourself, this is it. with that grace you can offer someone the opportunity to reflect if they chose to do so. we can never change other people, we can only set an example with how we move through the world. okay, i'm off my soapbox.
(3) i don’t really have an issue with swearing, i just like the look of an asterisk.
